Buon Natale, Molto Brutto Canzone
:: Joe Dolce - The 12 Days of Christmas ::
I have to admit I was a little excited when I came across this album. There was a sticker on the wrapper (this sucker was sealed) that said "It's Christmas, Shaddap You Face," and immediately I remembered that obnoxious "Shaddap You Face" song that was big when I was in grade school, back when songs like that were funny to me, and not coincidentally, my favorite place at the mall was Spencer Gifts. A Christmas version of that song?! RIGHT up my alley.
Criminally, there is no such song on here. If a sticker can burn in Hell, this one surely deserves to, for being so deceitful. If I can tangent for a second, Sticker Hell would also contain those peeing Calvins, memorials to people who have died that really have no place on the tinted rear window of a Toyota pickup, and Truck Nutz, which I know aren't stickers; I just needed to find a way to get them to Hell. Any-away, lemme-a-tell-you, listening to someone talk, sing and ad lib in an affected Italian accent for the duration of an entire album, especially a Christmas album, is enough to turn my brains to Ragu. By the end of it I was begging for some Father Guido Sarducci. The real kicker? This is pressed onto really nice, heavy vinyl. THANKS.
The song I ended up choosing is the closest he gets to "Shaddap You Face", in that he at least utters the phrase before the song kicks in. It's an Italianized version of The 12 Days Of Christmas, and it's a bit of a chore, to say the least. I think even Dr. Demento would have passed on this one.
But let's get to the weird parts. First off, Joe's evidently an American turned Australian, which I guess makes him the Mel Gibson of novelty music. In 1979 he did a song called Boat People, which was later translated into Vietnamese. I can only hope it's nothing like Randy Newman's Short People. He appears to be quite the peacenik now, and recorded an updated version of Shaddap You Face called "Shaddap You Face - No Room For Racism" to oppose the One Nation Candidate in a recent Australian election. Yes, I want to hear that one, too. He also did a blues version of Thriller. His bio says many nice things about him, none of which I can confirm after listening to this entire album.